My Overseas Admirers

Apparently last week there was something in the air. I rarely receive emails from guys that live outside the US but last week I received two nearly back to back. Perfect for a blog post! There is not a lot that needs to be said about these two posts though I did highlight a piece from each. I am sure you are scratching your head wondering why I would possibly NOT want to respond to these guys. My "mood" for helping others improve their English is always very high and who WOULDN'T want to pack up and move to Goa?

Okan_40

43·M·Brussels, Belgium

Hello,
You are very beautiful woman.
Who don't want to meet a woman like you.
I can understand that you may not be able to answer me, or may not want .
I guess you receive a lot of request from men, is not it?
Actualy, considering the distance between us, I should clarify my genuine aim. I would like to chat with some woman (or man sure) polite willing to help others in good mood to improve their English. For me especially in speking English. And not so frequently may be ...
How about your mood for that?
Thank you in advance for any answer...
Have a nice day and happiness in a long life...
Bye

deepak2249
52·M·New Delhi, India

Hello there, just gone through your profile and beautiful sweet pics. I have recently joined here and am looking for a sweet nice person who is interested in serious, long term relationship and willing to settle down in Goa India. I do feel awkward for writing as I am not in the age range as desired by you. So sorry !!! No hard feelings

Paging Doctor Douche

Occasionally I receive a relatively normal email from a nice looking guy that totally ends up being a bait and switch. Take the guy below. His profile photo was very nice looking however when you click to look at more he admits that not only is this photo 9 years old, he is not aging well. Maybe that's sarcasm right? Nope - he posts several other photos over those 9 years that 100% proves his point. He isn't totally a bad looking guy now so why compare yourself to what you looked like 9 YEARS AGO? I certainly wouldn't do that. Not all of my photos are in the last 6 months but they all still look like me.

This particular gentlemen caller goes beyond misleading photos though. I have pasted his profile for your reading enjoyment. I warn you it is lengthy. He is full of himself, pretentious, and pretty much a cranky dude. I like how the last line in his profile recognizes that he's a douche (as well as a few mentions throughout his profile about alienating people). If you know you come across that way, why not adjust appropriately. Ladies, at least you can't say it's false advertising! I've highlighted a few of my favorite parts (notice the age discrepancy) below. I had to look up callipyian - it means "having well-shaped buttocks". Nice. Meet Steve aka Doctor Douche!


miura1968

47 •M• Pasadena, CA

My self-summary

I'm a 48 year old physician with many interests and hobbies outside of medicine. I enjoy my job and find it interesting and challenging, but I'm only too eager to get away from it at times to do the things I truly love. I'm an amateur car collector and I'm constantly tinkering on cars and old Spanish motorcycles, I play piano and harpsichord (so so) and guitar (a bit), cello (bring ear plugs) and I enjoy hiking, cycling, reading and traveling. I'm not much into sports or TV. I grew up on a farm and I really like the country, I have a place up in the mountains ( no, it's not a cabin or a unabomber style shack) where I've been spending practically every weekend away from the city- so I hope you enjoy the country and horses. ( I don't actually have horses, but there are some of the creatures around the neighborhood) I'm not just a white trash gearhead however. I am somewhat cultured: I mostly listen to classical music, play classical piano (rather badly), and have an avid interest in European history and art history, and architecture. I'm much more likely to be at the Hollywood bowl than any sporting event.
I'm looking for an attractive single NON Republican woman who lives in California or maybe the Pacific Northwest, 33-46 years old (no exceptions) who is slim or slender (also no exceptions, unfortunately, that is important to me), callipygian, intelligent, kind and interesting- please respect those basic parameters, I'm not going to make exceptions. Someone who doesn't mind getting their hands dirty, as I always have some sort of project going - house, automotive, garden or otherwise. Also, someone who doesn't have and is open to the idea of not having children... as that's not in the cards for me anymore. I like kittens, puppies, baby goats, lambs, pinacate beetles, and I think Ruby the baby wombat is adorable. Human babies? Not so much. I'm passionate about the environment and the future of the planet, and I think we all have to make sacrifices before we reach the point of no return. I have a healthy scepticism regarding human behavior and intelligence. The planet's climate is rapidly changing for the worse- it should be painfully obvious to anyone with eyes a few neurons upstairs- and yet humans carry on, like demented puppets, fiddling in some absurd play while Rome slowly burns. This is going to end quite badly for humans in the not too distant future. Wake up already!
I've met a lot of nice people online, but as yet no one that sets my heart aflame. I guess my life is pretty good just the way it is and I've come this far alone, so it hardly seems to make sense to settle at this point....but I'm guessing many of you are feeling the same way. Right?

If I read another profile from a"fashionista" or a "yogini" describing her love for shopping, Vegas and reality TV I just may draw a bath and slit my wrists. Surely there are some quality non brain dead people in the area? I'd love to hear from you if you exist.

I don't care if your IQ is 180 and you're amazingly beautiful, if you write to me something like "U know wot U want," I'm going to just assume you're an idiot and ignore you.

What's with all the East Coasters (and New Yorkers in particular) making a point of letting us know where they're from (usually in their first sentence) and proclaiming to have some sort of East coast mentality or personality -as if that elevates them to some sort of royalty class compared to plebeian Californians. They almost seem apologetic that they now live in California, as if it were some momentary indiscretion or that they somehow sold out by moving here. Well, I have news for you.....the last time I was in New York, everyone seemed loud and obnoxious. It's not even an attractive accent. Get over yourselves already!

Also, please keep in mind that some of my snarky sarcastic comment in the questions section are just that: snarky sarcastic comments, mostly tongue in cheek, but containing a kernel of truth. Many are not meant to be interpreted concretely. It's called dry humour to those who don't know.

What I’m doing with my life

Currently I'm drifting aimlessly through life, battling chronic mid life existential angst. I'm like an e-ship without a mast, adrift in a turbulent sea of horrific online profiles.
Seriously....
I'm doing what everyone should be doing: trying to live my life the best way I can and make sound choices. I'm quite cynical about humanity but that doesn't stop me from trying to help people on an individual to a global level.

I’m really good at

alienating women I meet online

The first things people usually notice about me

My smile. I get so many compliments on my smile it makes me suspect that I'm actually hideously ugly unless I'm smiling. You be the judge.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

Mandel: Textbook of Infectious Diseases, Doctor Zhivago, Imogen Heap and/or Frou Frou, or Glenn Gould playing anything by Bach, Italian food...Italian Baroque music: listen to this gem:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=L_vrBLedI9E...oh

, and by the way I could never be with any of you because I am in love with Helene Grimaud.

The six things I could never do without

Italian cars, Spanish motorcycles, a lot of metric wrenches, my piano, my mom, escaping from LA on weekends.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

Uncanny apparition -all it wears,
grotesquely canted on that grinning skull,
is a garland woven out of worms! No spurs,
no whip, and still this ghostly cavalier
urges his apocalyptic nag
onward til her flaring nostrils bleed,
horse and horseman mad in pursuit of Space,
trampling Infinity with reckless hooves!
The rider brandishes a flaming sword
above the nameless hordes he gallops down,
and like a prince inspecting his domain
quarters that unending graveyard where
a bleak white sun exposes, mile on mile,
history's hecatombs, ancient and modern both.

On a typical Friday night I am

Escaping from LA- driving to my place in the mountains.
or
Alienating women on OKCupid.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I developed man boobs after I accidentally swallowed a NuvaRing.

I’m looking for

• Straight girls only
• Ages 30–46
• Near me
• Who are single
• For new friends, long-term dating

You should message me if

A.You're overcome with unbearable ennui.
B. You're dying to meet the man who owns the gayest looking harpsichord this side of 1638 .
C. Your profile doesn't contain any of the following words: eclectic, Vegas, Ukraine, practitioner, genre, Meyers-Briggs, actor, fashionista or Jihad.
D. You're a natural redhead, blonde or Australian.
E.. After reading this profile, you don't think I'm a complete douche. That's probably the most important-and rare-criterion.

Apparently I am an older man magnet!

Obviously the "fine gentlemen" that I shared with you earlier this week are not real (and possibly not even men) but they do share something in common with today's message - apparently I look like a woman that likes significantly older men. This email is clearly a "cut and paste" message that Joel is sending to lots of ladies hoping to get a hit. I like how he throws in international travel - is that meant to weed out the gold diggers or help him attract some sweet young thing? Oh, and he lives in Oregon so there's that. Enjoy!

simpletalk00
54·M·Lake Oswego, OR

Hello,

An Epiphany -
I know I am outside your geographic wheelhouse, but transitioning to an empty nester I realized that my best partner may not be near me, so I decided to search in LA with better weather and where one of my daughters is going to LMU in LA. In short it rains too much in the NW, Portland is small, and it is time to move. The good news is I have my youngest daughter half the time so I am free to be in LA the other half (every other week), probably more then you have time for…

I'll be down in LA around June 25 for my daughter's LMU orientation. How about a beverage and conversation? Two of my favorites are Lucques and Sunset Tower Bar and Grill. Have you been? Or if you are spontaneous and a risk taker, we could fly off to Belize? I know, totally gratuitous and crazy, but I'm trying to get your attention from Portland and if you have seen Portlandia, you get it. Of course I am not serious about Belize, well unless you say yes... :)

Have a great day and write back!

- Joel

Fake Profiles Volume 1

Like all things on the internet, online dating is now full of scammers. Fake profiles are everywhere and while these profiles are quickly removed, that doesn't stop the scammers from trying to get you to contact them outside of the site. Here are three emails I've received recently. Check out their excellent grasp of the English language! Since they provided their phone numbers (burner phones no doubt) and email addresses, feel free to drop them a line! If you decide to contact one of them, I would love to share any conversations (text or email) in a future post.

Bensonbrown2016

51 | Los Angeles, California

Hello Gorgeous,Hope you are doing great by the grace of God?..I'm best describe as caring, kind, always helpful, self sufficient, humble, sensitive, very communicative and a great sense of humor. Now that being said I must admit that healthy eating and fitness are an important part of my life along with the enjoyment of the outdoors. This includes boating, being in the sun, cycling, gardening or exploring the countryside on a horse ride. Full of energy, am truly young at heart and always living life to its fullest. Also know when to be playful or simply relaxed when need be. I do know my way around a kitchen and really enjoy cooking.....Lol..Smiles..You can sent me a text on my phone this is my number (231) 680-0351.. or this is my yahoo id dnhutnhyze@yahoo.com ...Have a nice day and take very good care of yourself and stay blessed..Will like to hear from you soon... Kind Regards dnhutnhyze

Paul

54 | Los Angeles, California

Hello sweet lady,Top of the morning to you over there.My name is Paul,widowed.I must confess you are an angel in disguise and will like to explore and know more about you.So feel free to send me an email on newthinglife@aol.com or send me a text on (323) 696-1830 or drop me your own email address or phone number to reach you on so we can chat,share more pics and get to know more about each other..Do have a wonderful day ahead..

Paul

CARTAR4444

57 | North Hollywood, California

Hello Gorgeous how are you doing today, it was nice reading your profile and you have a nice look and tremendous smiles on your face ! i am kinda knew on this online dating stuff so i thought i should give it a trial and see what comes out of it, if you dont mind i will like you to text me on here whenever you want and we can talk over on the phone since i dont come on here often .. text or call 323-305-9819 this is my direct cell where you can reach me whenever you want too .

Thanks and Regards for taking your time to read .

Morgan.

He hates big butts and he cannot lie....

In addition to the priceless messages I have received while online dating, I find the profiles themselves can be equally entertaining. Here is an excerpt from one that showed up in my recommended list today. Apparently if baby got back she best not apply. Also, where does he draw the line with "diseases"? Does that exclude "ailments" and "conditions"? So if you have a nice face, small booty, shapely legs, ready to support your man by being sexy ALL THE TIME, cooking and planning activities for him, and of course don't have chicken pox, I would love to introduce you to Steve!

Steve, age 40 in Hermosa Beach

I want to meet someone that doesn't play games (intentionally or subconsciously), that knows how to communicate, knows they are sexy, likes to cook, and likes to be proactive and plan fun activities. A girl that knows how to be positive, supportive, and unselfish is a must. I am looking for a girl that is free of diseases. I would like a girl that knows she is sexy even when sitting around without makeup on, in her sweats, and her hair is in a pony tail. Chemistry is a must and looks are important! Eyes and teeth (smile) are what I notice first then comes the butt and legs. I'm allergic to large butts... there I said it. : ) Profiles without full length pics scare me! I hope that leaves someone.

Are there really plenty of fish in the sea?

Last month I went on a girls getaway weekend and of course the subject of men and dating came up. Since we are all single, there were many a story about the "winners" we were hearing from on a myriad of online dating sites. Thankfully as if on que, we received some choice emails that perfectly illustrated our conversation. Since we had a bit of a car trip, we were thankful for the entertainment! After receiving some more amazing emails as of late, I thought it was time to share these fine examples of how to woo a lady with the world!

For those that don't know me personally, I am in my 30's, live in Los Angeles, have a career & a house, and while not a supermodel am fairly attractive (and am told I look younger than my age), intelligent and have a decent online profile that balances witty and informational. Just a little back story to keep in mind when reading the emails posted on this blog!

I referenced Plenty of Fish in both my site name and url though this blog won't be exclusive to any one particular dating site. In fact, I've actually nuked my POF account due to the high percentage of losers (wishing now I had access to blog material though...). While it is a special gift to receive so many terrible (yet humorous) emails, I encourage you to submit your own messages for inclusion on this blog. I will of course give credit where credit is due (should you want credit!).

To start thing off, I would love to share this delightful email I received from FITFUNEASY, age 60 in Oceanside, CA. Clearly he has read my profile carefully since he referenced me as being in my 40's. Talking about birth defects is super HOT too and an excellent way to get in good with the ladies. I question his use of "sane" as an adjective to describe himself. Interested in co-parenting? Happy to make the intro!

• WILD IDEA / QUESTION:
  Are you possibly open to the concept of "Co-Parenting", i.,e., even if the man you would have a baby/babies with is not Mr. Perfect, but he is willing to commit 100% to fatherhood and YOU too? In other words, is there even a remote sliver of interest on your part to "Co-Parent?
  
  Since "time' is never really on anyone's side, the entire concept of "Co-Parenting" becomes somewhat more viable as people age. I'm 60 now, so what I am waiting for? right? You are in your 40's and definitely in an age range where pregnancy high risk, difficult to do, and other issues arise as well like birth defect, down syndrome, retardation, etc.
  
  Not so great -- BUT -- HEALTHY OLDER WOMAN "can" pull off a healthy baby. It's just that the "odds" get a bit sketchy or worse in some cases.
  
  I have never had kids and am curious if my "idea" to "Co-Parent" has any appeal to a woman like you. I say this with TOTAL RESPECT.
  
  Acceptable to me: Custody & Cohabiting are totally negotiable. Heck -- even marriage is okay too, if that's something that a woman wants related to having a baby.
  
  The PERK: I'll buy a LARGE life policy on myself with you as the "primary beneficiary", so when I kick the bucket you & the child/children (twins anyone?) are financially taken care of and not left "high and dry".
  
  :)
  
  I have GREAT DNA: Taller than average, Anglo/Nordic heritage, High IQ, Sane, no diseases, etc. I am also educated and not a criminal. :)
  
  Something to think about, huh?
  
  David in Oceanside