Spa with Benefits

I got this email a few months back and had forgotten that I had saved it to share with all of you! Thankfully this guy's profile was still up (shocker) so you can enjoy the dichotomy between what he says in his profile followed by his email. Keep in mind that he clearly states in his details that he's looking for a relationship. His photos make it pretty clear that he thinks he is a hottie too (he's not).

His description of the "spa with benefits" makes me think he has read too many Harlequin romances. That being said, if you are looking for a regular booty call that wants to save you from the werewolves and cokeheads I would like to introduce you to....


CoolVibes72
39 - Los Angeles, CA

My self-summary
I am very easy going, funny, athletic, passionate, fit, look 7 years younger than I am (yoga helps), and I am a class clown who never grew up. Looking for a funny, sexy, passionate, slim, muse who is open to my twisted sense of humor and knowledge of the Universe

What I’m doing with my life
Maintaining my sanity through mind-body wellness during off hours. For work, entrepreneurial adventures

I’m really good at

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu
Muay Thai
Hiking
Speaking Broken Russian

The first things people usually notice about me
My warm and sincere energy

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books:
Boy Wonder, The Way, Exodus, War & Peace, Holy Blood Holy Grail
Movies:
Stand By Me, Lost Boys, Basic Instinct, Schindler's List, Mr. Id, Sunshine, Rocky, Goodfellas, Casino, Once Upon A Time In America, East West, Read My Lips

The six things I could never do without
Brazilian Jiu Jitsu
Siberian Ginseng
Yoga
Sushi
Clean Air

I spend a lot of time thinking about

Appreciation

You should message me if
You are super easy going, non L.A. scenester, down to earth, fit, funny, passionate, sexy, wordly

And now the email....

Hi gorgeous:

I was browsing profiles, tripped over yours, and thought I could steal you away from the competition (werewolves, vampires, half men, etc:)

I just moved back to L.A. from Chicago, settling in, trying to take over the world, and have little time for wife hunting or something traditional...

With that said, I am very passionate, athletic, funny, erotic, down to earth and primarily looking to connect with someone on a physical level only a few times a week......where there is lots of intimacy, reflexology, massages, candlelight baths, and humor....basically a "spa with benefits"

Just looking for a muse who may be in similar situation as me, very overworked, overstressed, is sick of dating L.A. guys who may be cokeheads, bi, emotionally retarded, liars, cheaters, etc...and would rather connect with me within a monogamous arrangement that is transparent, no games, no drama, and we know what we got into....If this evolves into something else, great, but for right now, you would rather have me come over a few times a week than playing the lotto on empty dates:)

Thoughts??

Christmas is coming early this year....

Sometimes these posts just write themselves. Several dating sites give the option of "casual sex" as one of the relationship type options. I don't know why this guy didn't select that exclusively. I wish I could show you the photos. A semi-professional shoot with him in a Santa hat, no shirt, and a riding crop. For real.

If you're hoping Santa fills your stocking with gifts from the Pleasure Chest, I'd like to introduce you to...

Black_SantaClaus - 34

My self-summary

Black Santa here looking for casual or consistent sex only.

Adventurous, happy & highly imaginative women only!

If you come to Santa's lair for the first time or 50th, I will accommodate, spoil & make sure you feel comfortable before I f&$k the shit out of you! :-)

I'm a true giver by nature. In other words, I treat my lover good and make sure they're taken care of in and outside of the bedroom if I enjoy having sex with them on the regular.

Sexual exploration with someone excites me more than a full blown relationship does at the moment. But hey, I keep an open mind in every situation. Now we could do a Dom / Sub relationship! That works! ;)

What I’m doing with my life

Bringing you adventure, so please be fun and not uptight! Unlike white Santa, I'm in shape and I'm only coming in through the chimney if we're role playing. My bag is full of gifts just like his, but they are not toys for kids.

I’m really good at

Being imaginative.
DEEP intellectual conversation.
Giving & taking orders!
(Surprisingly) Getting along with Feminist.
Dancing!

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

50 Shades of BLACK!!!!.

"I have no sympathy for those afraid of mystery. Come get with me I promise passion and ecstasy!" - 2pac

The six things I could never do without

-Flavored edible body oil.
-Water or coconut water to rehydrate us after marathon sex.
-Vibrating condom for when I'm too tired but you still need to be pleased.
-Blindfold
You bring the other 2 things.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

The art of the female figure.
How people can find love or fulfillment through sex instead of dating.
The excitement of being someones mistress or source of stress relief.
Solar panels

On a typical Friday night I am

Really? If we're not shagging by the fireplace on a bear skin rug, then we're out dancing.

You should message me if

You're bored with typical dating, looking for adventure, need stress relief, a fellow giver and attractive!

Successful career women, college girls who need sexual or life mentoring, dancers, sexually frustrated single mom's or plain Jane on the outside types but wild at heart to the front of the line.

Women taller than me are a welcomed treat but not a requirement!

The time I was matched with John Sears....

For the past several months I've slowly been re-watching the original Beverly Hills 90210. The funny thing is that throughout my viewing I keep have these little coincidences that tie the show in with my real life. Some are personal overlaps and some are simply just random aspects of the story that have been popping up in conjunction with the episode I am watching/just watched. For example, right after I finished the episode where at a drag race, they caught the guy that ran Andrea over in a previous episode - then there was a news story about drag racing.

I have to say that most of these coincidences have been amusing though some are a little too trippy. That's what brings us to today's post. Currently I'm watching Season 4 where the BH9 gang are college freshmen at good ole California University (Go Condors!). During this season a former West Beverly student and current KEG brother, John Sears, stirs up trouble for the gang. Whether he is trying to court (i.e. sleep with) Kelly or get Steve kicked out of the KEG house, John Sears is an all around douche bag.

As I have watched the series I have pondered the age old question "Am I a Brenda or am I a Kelly?". Of course we are all a little bit of each but starting last season I have been more on Team Kelly. So to perfectly tie into the current (on my DVD player) turmoil that Kelly is facing deciding if she should or should not get involved with John Sears, guess who one of my online dating sites matched me with?

THE ACTOR THAT PLAYED JOHN SEARS.

I cannot make this stuff up. If you don't know him from BH9 then you may also know him from One Tree Hill. When I told a few people about this the immediate response I got was "You should absolutely go out with him!" Hold your horses there friends. There are a number of reasons why that's unlikely to happen.

1. There is at least a 50% chance this is a fake profile. I've seen it before where the scammers use photos of lesser known celebrities in profiles. Usually they try to pass them off as regular people not actual actors though. Plus the age is off and while he might be lying on purpose it is still suspicious.

2. He probably doesn't even check this account. Unfortunately this site pulls profiles over from their sister site (material for a future post on the negatives of this site) and a lot of times they aren't even active members.

3. Probably most importantly I would feel weird about writing to him based on the strange BH9 stuff that has been going on.

Now if he wrote me....John Sears is pretty cute.....:)

Obviously I didn't include his real name but it is not difficult to look him up. Just didn't want to have this show up on HIS Google Alert!

Enjoy his profile below and let me know if YOU would go out with John Sears (or Dan Scott for you One Tree Hill fans).

meet (name removed for privacy)

he's a new match

West Hollywood, CA | 45
active within 24 hours

I've lived all over the world. I love traveling. I'm athletic and hard working and I'm dedicated to my belief in substance over style.

in his own words

How can I describe an ideal match for myself when I believe things and people evolve if they're curious and motivated. For me, I love my son, my work, a good workout or hike, nice wine, good conversation, adventure.... These days are complicated for people when we are constantly distracted by ads, technology, entertainment. these things are great for work or relaxing but they confuse the way we interact. I love waking up early, drinking coffee and planning my day. My friends describe me as passionate, loyal, informed, generous and hard working. I don't know if people just fit together liking missing puzzle pieces but I think if there is a spark passion can ignite and friendship can occur.

what he looks like:

• Hair color :
  • Dark brown
• Eye color :
  • Hazel
• Height :
  • 6'3"
• Body type :
  • Athletic/toned
• Ethnic background :
  • White/Caucasian
• Age:45

who he is:

• Living situation :
  • Live with kids
• Has children :
  • Yes
• Wants children :
  • Yes
• Relationship history :
  • Divorced
• Education :
  • Bachelors degree
• profession/occupation :
  • Artistic / Creative / Performance
• Income :
  • (removed for privacy)
• Religious affiliation :
  • Spiritual but not religious
• Political outlook :
  • Nonpartisan
• Smokes :
  • Not at all
• Drinks :
  • A few times a week

what he's looking for:

You match

• Age Range :match
  • 22 - 44
• Ethnic background :match
  • Any
• Height :match
  • 3'0" to 7'11"
• Body type :match
  • Slender
  • Athletic/toned
• smokes :
  • A few times a week
• drinks :match
  • Any
• education :match
  • Any
• Religious affiliation :match
  • Any
• relationship history :match
  • Any
• has children :match
  • Any
• wants children :match
  • Any