Relationship or Blow Up Doll?

One of the features of many online dating sites in an option to indicate what type of relationship you are looking for - be it casual (i.e. hook ups) or something more (i.e. dating, marriage, etc.). Depending on what you are looking for, this is one of the tools at your disposal to help weed out the many suitors that are out there. 

Then you have guys like this one that sending mixed messages. He does not indicate that he's only looking for a casual situation though he kicks off his profile with sex, Sex, SEX (highlighted for your enjoyment)! He goes on to bring values into the mix and wraps it up with sharing his inner most thoughts and looking for who he is going to spend the rest of his life with. Huh? Is this some sort of reverse mullet? Party in the front, business in the back....or something....

He says and I quote "Ladies at this age if you haven't figured out that all men want sex and that we are visual creatures I don't think we will be a good match." Duh. Tell us something new. He goes on to comment that if you spend a lot of time with your girlfriends that just is not a match for him. Are you expecting a 50's housewife to have dinner on the table for you while wearing lingerie?

So let me see if I have got this straight, he is looking for the following:

• Nymphomaniac
• Hates Donald Trump
• Has minimal life of her own
• Likes to travel
• Insecure
• Does not mind Random Capitalization of Words

Oh and he did not post a photo. Now I spend way too much time with my girlfriends for this guy but if that is not an issue for you, please meet:

bigshoulders2016
41 - Woodland Hills, CA

My self-summary
I want depth, passion, enhancement , a travel buddy and great sex.
Having a woman's attention is a big turn on, being the guy that brings a smile to her face when speaking to her friends about him is a turn on, a random naughty text is a turn on.
Just because I like sex doesn't mean I will have sex with just any woman, I am very selective and very patient, not expecting to jump right in bed I'd like to get a mental connection established before we reach the physical.
Ladies at this age if you haven't figured out that all men want sex and that we are visual creatures I don't think we will be a good match.
I can't see who likes me so instead of pressing like go ahead and send me a message please.

What I’m doing with my life
If we can't have an intelligent conversation together, belly laugh together and break bread together we will never make it into the bed together.
If you have an idealistic view about what being in love should be you are not the woman for me.
If you support Donald Trump you are not the woman for me.
If you are a homophobe you are not the woman for me.
If you are seeking instant gratification you are not the woman for me.
If you are always out with your girlfriends you are not the woman for me.

I’m really good at
Exploring sexuality
Thinking outside the box
Being a Handy Man
Expressing myself
Critical Thinking
Kissing
Understanding

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Nina Simon
Prince
Little Dragon
Shawshank Redemption
Breaking Bad
Narcos
Jay Z
Shark Tank

The six things I could never do without
The Touch of a Woman
NPR
Common Sense
Books
Fine Dining
Traveling

I spend a lot of time thinking about
The woman I am gonna spend the rest of my life with.

On a typical Friday night I am
Watching NetFlick

You should message me if
You are looking for someone to share your inner thoughts with.

Fake Profiles, Volume 2

It's been awhile since we looked at my ongoing collection of fake profiles. Here are some excelent email specimens. Typos and grammatical errors are all real. I wonder if these guys actually live where they say they do! Do you think they might try to get me to send them money? Apparently 53 is the "magic" age for these types of profiles. Thankfully they so kindly included contact information should you wish to reach out for your own enjoyment! I highlighted them in orange for your convenience and highlighted my favorite passages from each in blue.

Miclinson

53 | West Los Angeles, California

Your profile caught my attention and couldn't help by dropping you a quick message,I'm looking to meet someone for friendship and something more. I’d like to take time getting to know you,see where that leads us to. I love being active and outdoors..I'm seriously searching for that special someone ,One who is confident enough to speak to a man and can carry an intelligent conversation.Would be more appropriate getting intouch via our personal e-mails to get to know each other ,if possible get to share one another's pictures.You can write me using the id in the bracket and hope you can get that figured out... (croft.white at gmail dot com..Looking forward to hear from you again..

From: Musah

30 | Antioch, Illinois

Hello Pretty How are you doing today my name is musah and i am here looking for a Honest woman to be with her and spend the rest of my life with her a woman that will never let me down and i Promise her to i will never do something that will break her heart this is my email address respectman750@yahoo.com

Hotjames8930

56 | Pacific Beach, Washington

You've really sparked my interest so lets discover the possibilities together. Basicall, but also a natural leader.I could not resist writing to you. You seem nice, intelligent, & attractive, quite a combination.I feel your existence as similar to my own, with many ideals & interests in common, I would like to get acquainted.I am a kind hearted but strong willed man who loves to treat a woman the way she should be. Well am on here looking for Happiness in Long-Term from this life,how about you?Was glad after reading your profile,I know I'm not everyone's match from here,But you can please do read over my profile & let me know if you do like to communicate to an intelligent man with a great sense of humor,Just don't hesitate to write back. I know it is difficult, nearly impossible, to discern that elusive looks from profiles & emails.... linejames46@yahoo.com and you can text (424) 254-9695.Hope to hear from you soon james

George (Note the different name in the body of the email!)

53 | La Jolla Shores, California

How are you Doing.Well My name is Michael, Age is not a problem to me neither distance.Am a kind of man that would relocate anywhere for the right woman.am new to the online dating scene just have to let you know that it took me about an hour after i saw your profile before i could write you this piece of note that you look damn so calm and cool that makes me wonder if you could ever hurt an ant nevertheless the feelings of human being.Please does the cool and calmness on your pretty face actually lives in you?If yes,I think you might just be that pretty i have long be seeking all my life to get to know more than a friend.location will never be the barrier if your heart is willing to give me a chance.I want to believe that asking your hands in friendship will

make you to be the happiest woman in this part of generation and who knows even in some generations to come.just give me a chance to move a mountain and i will prove to you that I am simply man of my own words.here is my personal email if you want to write me back michaelhart28 at y a h () ().com and i am on Yahoo Messenger on michaelhart28 and here is also my cell number you can send me a text on 2, one, four, 8, six, five, 8 six 3 zero. which ever way that is convenient for you . I look forward to your heartwarming response.I am impatiently waiting to hear from you. michaelhart28 at y a h ()(). c o m.

Looking for Mrs. Robinson

I seem to get a fair amount of emails from guys in their 20's - even more in the past few years than when I was actually closer to their age. As you can see they very much keep it classy and have excellent grammar.

__c4ryan - 25

hey hows it going? what are you up to today? would you want to cuddle and make out for a bit right now?

Basketlol - 19

Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling​

Iamthetallman - 20

Hello how are you doing? might I say you are insanely gorgeous! (just had to be said) i hope you dont think its weird for me to be messaging you?

Then you get a gem like this one. He hits all of my favorite message points:

1. The grammar and spelling are awful.

2. The realness of this person and/or local location is very questionable. 

3. If he is real, he is obviously looking for sex in the most RESPECTFUL way possible. 

Sorry boys, I won't be your Mrs. Robinson. 

User name unknown – 18 (details didn’t appear to save)

Hi how are you? :-)

My name is Cristian, and without being disrespectful I would like to as if you would consider dating or be intimate with someone younger than you? Don't get me wrong idea for my question, please forgive me, I didnt mean to offend, this.

I also know what I'm asking for, and I'm being serious, and respectful about it, I'm not trying to play games, because that is not the way I'm, but yes I would like to do this, and I'm willing to show you that I'm worth the time, and that age is just a number when it come to real connection, and chemistry.

I really would like to have an opportunity like this, and I will be willing to do and please you in any way, and in whatver you like and want. If there is a connection why not right? ;-)

And don't worry you are not talking with a kid anymore, I will always be respectful about this, I just want the chance to share some time, get to know see if there is chemistry, and if we do, have fun, see what happen, and enjoy of the moment.

Is this Overshare Bear?

Sometimes I get too busy to post so just save some of these gems for later. This was one I squirreled away and today seems like the perfect day to share! I'm not even sure where to start with this fella but let's jump in anyway!

1. cbearsweet is his user name. Is he trying to attract a tween girl in the 80's?

2. He opened with something scary about his health. Telling a lady you have the HIV is kind of a tough jumping off point.

3. I love Halloween too but at least spell it correctly.

4. Sob stories about how you are on the rebound are a great way to seal the deal.

5. A strong close with referencing God's plan.

Am I being to picky? Obviously. This is why I figure one of you will want to scoop up this catch!

meet cbearsweet

he's a new match

Garden Grove, CA | 39

I am a compassionate, genuine and very laid back and easy going. Im just looking for someone who will accept me for who i am and what i do. Who wont run away or judge me when they find out certain things about me and my health. Someone who will be there for me when I need someone to talk to or just spend some well need time with, someone who will like to go away for the week end when time get stressful in are lives.

I like to go away and Hallow season and go to diferent Hallowen events, I also like to go to a bar and have a drink or so just to get away for the evening and have fun and spend time with friends and family if lucky enough to.

To be compleatly Honest I just lost a very long term relationship with a women I have been in love with scense i was 14, who just broke off a two year engagement and my heart has been broken, and I'm honestly trying to move on but it is very hard, currently i'm just looking for someone to spend time with to hopefully move on in life and maybe once again fall in love with. Love is a beautiful and painful emotion that everyone one day will truly experience with someone else and it might not always end up or how the way you wanted to, or dream of happening, but when that happensyou have to step back look at the good things that has happen to you in life and the good things that will happen in your life, and soon enough you will be able to move on.

I am truly a romantic by heart and one day maybe I'll find that prefect match you never know it might be you, But the way I see god always has a plan you.

Recent Love Letters

I have no good excuse for the lack of posts other than I've been busy. It certainly isn't for lack of content! Here are some recent love letters - do you want me to make an introduction to any of these fine fellows?

If you are looking for a 27 year old that isn't looking to make any promises...

You come across as very energetic and passionate. I have been single for a about ten months and I find myself seeking new experiences rather than new relationships. Not to sound overly forward, but I think you're especially attractive, and my recent partners have left me wanting more. If this sounds too much then please forgive me, but I'm a terrible liar and generally bad at beating around the bush. If having a fling sounds interesting to you, then it would be great to blow off some steam. For me, it would be a new experience, hopefully for you too! But let me not make promises! :D

If you are into cannibalism...

I want to eat you . So sexy really you are 40 no way . If you were next to I'll not go out from the room

If you like those with vivid imaginations...

951 223 5436 Hi my name is Bryan It's a pleasure to meet you. You remind me of a beautiful Mermaid from under the Atlantic Ocean I can see the blue sapphire that glows within you that enhances me with life force and provides a aroma or irresistible citrus. If you are interested in dating, you can text me or KIK: LostSoulSearching Who knows you could be the ketchup to my fries

If you like those that will open multiple accounts to meet you...

951 223 5436 text me.
Hello when I first took a look at your sparkly eyes it took my breath away so bad that I almost needed to call a paramedic :) but your mystical aura lure me into an optimistic state if I could arrange the alphabet I would put U and I together. I used to be a basketball champion back in the days and used to go to a lot of raves but I have settled back a bit and I am 22 years old and live in LA but am looking for someone to spend quality time with on the weekend. um.. If you are interested we can talk , text ,or KIK. You could possibly be the jelly to my peanut butter


If you enjoy celebrating the holidays...

Wanna do a post Bunny-brunch romp somewhere secret? ;))

If you think words are overrated...

Come over.

Paging Doctor Douche, Part 2

Back in 2014 I wrote a post called "Paging Doctor Douche" which was quite popular. Shortly after I posted my last entry in January, I took a look to see if anyone had commented on ANY of my blogs. What did I find? This little gem posted in July 2015. I couldn't wait to share it with you!


Hey....it's Dr. Douche.

I stumbled across your blog and what can I say..... some of your comments are amusing, but wow.....get a life already! You're evidently still single and your entire existence seems to revolve around mocking prospective online dates. It's pathetic. It's even more pathetic than the people you mock.
You know my first name so we must have emailed, spoken, or perhaps even gone out. Mercifully, I have zero recollection of who you are. Consider that: aside from your snarky wit and sharp tongue.....there's nothing. Zero. You're completely forgettable.



If you have not reread my original entry about this fine fellow, I encourage you to do so. I don't believe I used the words narcissistic but obviously should have because the only way he would have found this entry is by GOOGLING HIS OWN ONLINE DATING USER NAME. Who does that? (Okay, I did that after I realized that was how he found my blog!)

I stand by my analysis of his profile in my original post and his comments actually do more to back it up than to tear me down. I have no desire to actually engage in a back and forth with this guy (is it just me or does he come across like the type of guy that trolls sites and starts flame wars just for the fun of it?) but I can't help myself from making a few comments here.

1. Stop Googling your OKC user name - you are not that important.

2. Of course you don't remember me - I didn't respond to your email once I read your obnoxious profile. I love me some dry humor but I think it's a stretch to say that is why your profile is what it is.

3. If my "entire existence" revolved about mocking prospective online dates, I could have written a book by now not just post every few months.

4. Single or not, I have enough material for years of posts waiting in the wings. Your sweet comments jumped over some other great material. Pat yourself on the back!

5. Appreciate the compliment on my snarky wit and sharp tongue! Glad you also find me amusing! These are all some of my favorite qualities too!

6. Obviously I'm not too forgettable if a post written in 2014, by a girl you don't remember got under your skin this much.

7. Most importantly, thanks for reading! The success of this blog is not only the fantastic profiles/emails I see online but also the audience. I appreciate you being BOTH!

Wanted: Sugar Momma Willing To Give Up Life To Be Seaworthy Sex Toy

This is an oldie but a goodie that I found when cleaning out my emails. I had sent this to my girlfriends prior to starting this blog and am glad I did. You can tell this guy thinks he is SO CLEVER. Except instead of coming off clever he sounds like a narcissistic, control freak weirdo. The link to his profile is no longer active which is too bad because I'm sure he would have some new crazy for us to enjoy. A life at sea with this guy would probably end badly...for him.



You should message me if:

-If you're educated, fit, attractive, and financially independent.
-If you happen to be a climber who can lead 5.10a trad, I might consider becoming your sugar daddy:) This even applies if you're an Avatar fan.-Also would consider 'LA 10s' with low self esteem that wait tables and 'act' in brain dead short films. Wait...actually don't contact me.

Other notes:-You must be STD free and that includes Type I herp. I don't care if 1 in 3 of the population have it and got it from 'kissing their mom' as a kid. I don't have it and don't want it on my lip or penis. PLEASE HAVE AN UPDATED COPY OF YOUR COMPLETE STD TEST with in the last 30 days or earlier depending on how many partners you have had. We will not have any sort of contact until we show each other full bacterial and viral test results. Thank you.

-Despite my very strong male inclinations, I don't respond to messages for casual sex; this includes, but is not limited to, invites involving your lifestyle friends and their white trash bash get togethers.

-In about 8-10 yrs, I'm planning on sailing around the world for a few years. You must be comfortable in small spaces, mentally detached from useless stuff, able to embrace managed risk, have a natural affinity for exploration, dislike cars, hate phones, be comfortable during long periods of silence, find pleasure in staring at vast stretches of openness, not get too stressed when things get stressful, and of course enjoy hot daily love making sessions despite a slight decrease in hygiene and the taste of salt.

Spa with Benefits

I got this email a few months back and had forgotten that I had saved it to share with all of you! Thankfully this guy's profile was still up (shocker) so you can enjoy the dichotomy between what he says in his profile followed by his email. Keep in mind that he clearly states in his details that he's looking for a relationship. His photos make it pretty clear that he thinks he is a hottie too (he's not).

His description of the "spa with benefits" makes me think he has read too many Harlequin romances. That being said, if you are looking for a regular booty call that wants to save you from the werewolves and cokeheads I would like to introduce you to....


CoolVibes72
39 - Los Angeles, CA

My self-summary
I am very easy going, funny, athletic, passionate, fit, look 7 years younger than I am (yoga helps), and I am a class clown who never grew up. Looking for a funny, sexy, passionate, slim, muse who is open to my twisted sense of humor and knowledge of the Universe

What I’m doing with my life
Maintaining my sanity through mind-body wellness during off hours. For work, entrepreneurial adventures

I’m really good at

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu
Muay Thai
Hiking
Speaking Broken Russian

The first things people usually notice about me
My warm and sincere energy

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books:
Boy Wonder, The Way, Exodus, War & Peace, Holy Blood Holy Grail
Movies:
Stand By Me, Lost Boys, Basic Instinct, Schindler's List, Mr. Id, Sunshine, Rocky, Goodfellas, Casino, Once Upon A Time In America, East West, Read My Lips

The six things I could never do without
Brazilian Jiu Jitsu
Siberian Ginseng
Yoga
Sushi
Clean Air

I spend a lot of time thinking about

Appreciation

You should message me if
You are super easy going, non L.A. scenester, down to earth, fit, funny, passionate, sexy, wordly

And now the email....

Hi gorgeous:

I was browsing profiles, tripped over yours, and thought I could steal you away from the competition (werewolves, vampires, half men, etc:)

I just moved back to L.A. from Chicago, settling in, trying to take over the world, and have little time for wife hunting or something traditional...

With that said, I am very passionate, athletic, funny, erotic, down to earth and primarily looking to connect with someone on a physical level only a few times a week......where there is lots of intimacy, reflexology, massages, candlelight baths, and humor....basically a "spa with benefits"

Just looking for a muse who may be in similar situation as me, very overworked, overstressed, is sick of dating L.A. guys who may be cokeheads, bi, emotionally retarded, liars, cheaters, etc...and would rather connect with me within a monogamous arrangement that is transparent, no games, no drama, and we know what we got into....If this evolves into something else, great, but for right now, you would rather have me come over a few times a week than playing the lotto on empty dates:)

Thoughts??

Christmas is coming early this year....

Sometimes these posts just write themselves. Several dating sites give the option of "casual sex" as one of the relationship type options. I don't know why this guy didn't select that exclusively. I wish I could show you the photos. A semi-professional shoot with him in a Santa hat, no shirt, and a riding crop. For real.

If you're hoping Santa fills your stocking with gifts from the Pleasure Chest, I'd like to introduce you to...

Black_SantaClaus - 34

My self-summary

Black Santa here looking for casual or consistent sex only.

Adventurous, happy & highly imaginative women only!

If you come to Santa's lair for the first time or 50th, I will accommodate, spoil & make sure you feel comfortable before I f&$k the shit out of you! :-)

I'm a true giver by nature. In other words, I treat my lover good and make sure they're taken care of in and outside of the bedroom if I enjoy having sex with them on the regular.

Sexual exploration with someone excites me more than a full blown relationship does at the moment. But hey, I keep an open mind in every situation. Now we could do a Dom / Sub relationship! That works! ;)

What I’m doing with my life

Bringing you adventure, so please be fun and not uptight! Unlike white Santa, I'm in shape and I'm only coming in through the chimney if we're role playing. My bag is full of gifts just like his, but they are not toys for kids.

I’m really good at

Being imaginative.
DEEP intellectual conversation.
Giving & taking orders!
(Surprisingly) Getting along with Feminist.
Dancing!

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

50 Shades of BLACK!!!!.

"I have no sympathy for those afraid of mystery. Come get with me I promise passion and ecstasy!" - 2pac

The six things I could never do without

-Flavored edible body oil.
-Water or coconut water to rehydrate us after marathon sex.
-Vibrating condom for when I'm too tired but you still need to be pleased.
-Blindfold
You bring the other 2 things.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

The art of the female figure.
How people can find love or fulfillment through sex instead of dating.
The excitement of being someones mistress or source of stress relief.
Solar panels

On a typical Friday night I am

Really? If we're not shagging by the fireplace on a bear skin rug, then we're out dancing.

You should message me if

You're bored with typical dating, looking for adventure, need stress relief, a fellow giver and attractive!

Successful career women, college girls who need sexual or life mentoring, dancers, sexually frustrated single mom's or plain Jane on the outside types but wild at heart to the front of the line.

Women taller than me are a welcomed treat but not a requirement!

The time I was matched with John Sears....

For the past several months I've slowly been re-watching the original Beverly Hills 90210. The funny thing is that throughout my viewing I keep have these little coincidences that tie the show in with my real life. Some are personal overlaps and some are simply just random aspects of the story that have been popping up in conjunction with the episode I am watching/just watched. For example, right after I finished the episode where at a drag race, they caught the guy that ran Andrea over in a previous episode - then there was a news story about drag racing.

I have to say that most of these coincidences have been amusing though some are a little too trippy. That's what brings us to today's post. Currently I'm watching Season 4 where the BH9 gang are college freshmen at good ole California University (Go Condors!). During this season a former West Beverly student and current KEG brother, John Sears, stirs up trouble for the gang. Whether he is trying to court (i.e. sleep with) Kelly or get Steve kicked out of the KEG house, John Sears is an all around douche bag.

As I have watched the series I have pondered the age old question "Am I a Brenda or am I a Kelly?". Of course we are all a little bit of each but starting last season I have been more on Team Kelly. So to perfectly tie into the current (on my DVD player) turmoil that Kelly is facing deciding if she should or should not get involved with John Sears, guess who one of my online dating sites matched me with?

THE ACTOR THAT PLAYED JOHN SEARS.

I cannot make this stuff up. If you don't know him from BH9 then you may also know him from One Tree Hill. When I told a few people about this the immediate response I got was "You should absolutely go out with him!" Hold your horses there friends. There are a number of reasons why that's unlikely to happen.

1. There is at least a 50% chance this is a fake profile. I've seen it before where the scammers use photos of lesser known celebrities in profiles. Usually they try to pass them off as regular people not actual actors though. Plus the age is off and while he might be lying on purpose it is still suspicious.

2. He probably doesn't even check this account. Unfortunately this site pulls profiles over from their sister site (material for a future post on the negatives of this site) and a lot of times they aren't even active members.

3. Probably most importantly I would feel weird about writing to him based on the strange BH9 stuff that has been going on.

Now if he wrote me....John Sears is pretty cute.....:)

Obviously I didn't include his real name but it is not difficult to look him up. Just didn't want to have this show up on HIS Google Alert!

Enjoy his profile below and let me know if YOU would go out with John Sears (or Dan Scott for you One Tree Hill fans).

meet (name removed for privacy)

he's a new match

West Hollywood, CA | 45
active within 24 hours

I've lived all over the world. I love traveling. I'm athletic and hard working and I'm dedicated to my belief in substance over style.

in his own words

How can I describe an ideal match for myself when I believe things and people evolve if they're curious and motivated. For me, I love my son, my work, a good workout or hike, nice wine, good conversation, adventure.... These days are complicated for people when we are constantly distracted by ads, technology, entertainment. these things are great for work or relaxing but they confuse the way we interact. I love waking up early, drinking coffee and planning my day. My friends describe me as passionate, loyal, informed, generous and hard working. I don't know if people just fit together liking missing puzzle pieces but I think if there is a spark passion can ignite and friendship can occur.

what he looks like:

• Hair color :
  • Dark brown
• Eye color :
  • Hazel
• Height :
  • 6'3"
• Body type :
  • Athletic/toned
• Ethnic background :
  • White/Caucasian
• Age:45

who he is:

• Living situation :
  • Live with kids
• Has children :
  • Yes
• Wants children :
  • Yes
• Relationship history :
  • Divorced
• Education :
  • Bachelors degree
• profession/occupation :
  • Artistic / Creative / Performance
• Income :
  • (removed for privacy)
• Religious affiliation :
  • Spiritual but not religious
• Political outlook :
  • Nonpartisan
• Smokes :
  • Not at all
• Drinks :
  • A few times a week

what he's looking for:

You match

• Age Range :match
  • 22 - 44
• Ethnic background :match
  • Any
• Height :match
  • 3'0" to 7'11"
• Body type :match
  • Slender
  • Athletic/toned
• smokes :
  • A few times a week
• drinks :match
  • Any
• education :match
  • Any
• Religious affiliation :match
  • Any
• relationship history :match
  • Any
• has children :match
  • Any
• wants children :match
  • Any